A note to Prospective Scientists on an
Infallible Method of Obtaining Perfect Results
A few years ago a student of this school, Frank Enstein, whilst struggling to write up one of his physics practical experiments, had an idea which has revolutionised scientific thinking. He put forward the idea of the variable constant.
Definition
Enstein's constant is a small variable constant with values ranging between plus and minus infinity. It is equal to the required answer divided by the obtained answer. Hence the required answer is found by multiplying the obtained answer by Ensten's constant.
Important Notes on Enstein's Constant
| (1) | It can never be 1. If it is, the working has been fiddled. |
| (2) | In mathematics the required answer is always found in the back of the book, and in physics practicals it is found from physical tables. |
| (3) | Enstein's constant must be applied amongst a maze of figures. This prevents detection by the teacher. |
| (4) | Lower Sixth please note: You can fiddle some of the results all the time and all the results some of the time, but you cannot fiddle all of the results all of the time. |
B.O.T, 6Sc.
N.U.J.B. Report, 1963
(or how to impress the N.U.J.B. in 56 easy lessons)
We in the N.U.J.B. (Northern union of ballot juggling) have written to report on the last set of examination papers received. We must say that the candidate who put "Three times I hugged him with the King's lid" instead of "My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar," did not enhance his chances of a pass in Eng. Lit. We were not impressed by the person who gave his answer to "What happened in 1066" as Birth of Richard Dimbleby." Candidates spelling their names correctly at the first attempt are much more likely to reach the standard of university than (a) Those who used half a sheet attempting it, and (b) Adolf Hitler. We must point out that in the Maths. Paper 11 the answers to 6 - 3 was, in many cases, incorrectly given as 2. We should make it known that the fact that Jones Minor attained 10 "O" level passes with 100% in each paper, has no bearing whatsoever on the fact that his father is chairman of the N.U.J.B. Many thanks to the boy who constructed a 13 storey office block for the N.U.J.B. in Manchester. Also we regret to inform him that he failed his practical drawing examination because of a blunt pencil. It is with deep regret that we failed one boy in the art exam. Regret, cannot accept photographs of Liz. Taylor in lieu of "Still life of bottle."
The French exam was done exceedingly well, except for a strong tendency for many candidates in writing the French verb "To understand" as "Je dig" etc.
The funeral was held on Thursday of the eight men and two women who marked the cookery practical from your school. Would you please send down the candidate who submitted a Cup Final ticket with his papers. He or she will be presented personally with 7 "A" levels, a scholarship to Oxford and a bunch of flowers, twice a week for life, or £3 10s. cash.
Well, that terminates the year's report. Of course, next year, we shall be happy to award your usual 868 passes on receipt of your yearly bribe of £132 (cash or cheque).
Signed: B.J.U.N. Vice President (and how) N.U.J.B